Denise Day Spencer

July 15, 2007

Sagging–the grown-up version

Filed under: Random ramblings — denisedayspencer @ 9:01 pm

At the school where I work, our teachers and houseparents fight the war of sagging pants every day. We’ve had rules written about the subject. We’ve had the Dean of Students stand up in chapel and demonstrate the right and wrong way to wear trousers. We’ve had pants confiscated for being several sizes too large.

I realize this is a trend in our society. When Michael and I were at the Legends game that wasn’t, I looked over to see a young man standing next to me. He was surely standing because his jeans were hanging so low that it would have been impossible for him to walk with anything but the smallest of baby steps. But sometimes the Battle of the Belt is fought on a different front. At times it’s not the kids who are the problem, but the grown-ups. Oh, they don’t mean to be controversial; they’re not trying to fit in with the adolescent crowd. They’re just…well…proportionally challenged.

I’m speaking of men. There’s a certain male body type that seems to be just asking for a wardrobe malfunction more frightening than that of Janet Jackson at last year’s Superbowl. I’m talking about fellows who have basically no waist, no hips and no derrière, and are overly endowed in the abdominal area. Jolly Old St. Nick might have this problem if he dressed in a shirt and tie. We’re told his belly “shook when he laughed like a bowl-full of jelly.” But Santa’s suit appears to be some sort of oversized onesie. His belt must be for decorative use only, because I’ve never seen the old elf have to hitch up his britches.

Anyway, you get the idea. With that kind of proportion there’s nothing for pants to hold onto–and plenty of weight pressing down on them from above. It’s especially nerve-wracking when one of these guys is in a public setting. I anxiously watch him strolling along, wondering which step will be the fateful one that will cause the drawers to drop. Which leads to the question…

How do men get their pants to stay up anyway? A woman has curves–hips, fanny and a tummy below the belt. If my pants are loose they can only go so far. Unless they’re huge, there will mercifully somewhere be a stopping point. But whether a guy is rail-thin or has an ample belly, if he has no hips that belt must be the only thing keeping his slacks from totally succumbing to the irresistible pull of gravity.

For that matter, maybe we’ve got the entire gender dress code backwards. It seems to me that women should be the ones in pants while the men wear skirts…or kilts…or biblical robes. But don’t switch any time soon, fellas. I’m easily entertained.



  1. Could you be more specific?

    Comment by iMonk — July 16, 2007 @ 4:54 am | Reply

  2. […] Denise writes abut men who may soon drop their pants. (This is great stuff.) Posted by: Michael Spencer @ 6:53 am | Trackback | Permalink […]

    Pingback by The Boar’s Head Tavern » — July 16, 2007 @ 4:55 am | Reply

  3. It’s all about friction.

    Comment by John M. — July 16, 2007 @ 7:09 am | Reply

  4. I think Santa must wear suspenders.

    Comment by Rebekah — July 16, 2007 @ 7:21 am | Reply

  5. Brilliant post, Denise.

    Don’t tell your hubbie, but I may like your blog better than his. 🙂

    Noel (the other one)

    Comment by Noel Heikkinen — July 16, 2007 @ 8:15 am | Reply

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