Denise Day Spencer

January 26, 2007

The Night Before I Take the Red Pill

Filed under: Personal reflections — denisedayspencer @ 8:31 pm

Anyone who has seen “The Matrix” will remember the moment. Neo stands looking at two pills, one red, the other blue. Morpheus tells him, “You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” It’s a moment of grave decision. Neo swallows the red and his life–even his understanding of reality itself–is forever changed.

And so it is that I now stand with the red pill in my hand.

It’s time for me to confess a 17-year history of depression. Maybe longer. Since it took me a while to realize that I was depressed, it’s difficult to say exactly when it began. I won’t tell you all of the details, because this is my blog and I can say as much or as little as I want. But I will tell you enough.

When my children were very young I worked part-time as an adolescent psychiatric nurse. One day I got sick. It was some kind of run-of-the-mill flu. I don’t recall now if it was respiratory or intestinal, but it doesn’t matter. When my symptoms abated I could not get off the couch. In fact, I could hardly raise my head. Michael and I thought I must have mono or some such thing, but when I went to the doctor he could find nothing physically wrong with me. Then it hit me: “Oh, my goodness. I have depression…just like the kids I work with.”

Therein lay part of my problem. I’ve never thought of myself as a particularly proud person, but I couldn’t admit that I, the psych. nurse, was depressed. But it was much worse than that. I was a Christian. Aren’t Christians supposed to have it all together? And I was a pastor’s wife, for crying out loud! In my mind, such frailty was O.K. for other people, but it simply wasn’t allowed for me. I must be strong. I must pray my way through this–completely on my own.

And so I fell into a pattern. I would do pretty well for a while. But when work got too stressful or the marriage became rocky, I would lapse into a two or three day depression. Still, however, no one else must know. I became adept at somehow getting through the hospital shift–or the Sunday School class or the worship service–all the while masking the deadness I felt inside. If anyone noticed and asked “Are you O.K.?” I would do what any self-respecting Baptist minister’s wife would do: lie. “I’ve got a headache,” and “Oh, I’m just tired” became standard excuses for my lack of energy. And they believed me, even on the psych. ward.

Then in 1995 I took a trip to hell and back. This was not the biblical version of torment, but my own private chamber. And I stayed there for most of a year. By this time we were at Oneida. I was no longer a pastor’s wife, but now a campus minister’s spouse. What’s the difference, right? And this time I myself was in full-time Christian service. So the inward pressure to hold it all together was just as fierce as before, if not more so. Only I didn’t do a very good job of it this time. I began to crack around the edges, and as the crevices ran deeper I feared that my very soul would break in two.

I dragged myself to work in the publications office, where I could be as reclusive as I wanted to be. Then I went home, where I would lie across the bed and cry. When Michael asked why I wept I couldn’t tell him. I honestly didn’t know. In the late afternoons and evenings I had a different job: counseling our troubled young ladies. Oh, the irony. How could I possibly help them when it had just taken every ounce of energy I had to walk to the counseling appointment? In truth, I’m sure I didn’t help them much, if at all. I could relate to their pain, but I had nothing to offer. When my counseling shift ended I would again go home, crawl into the bed and weep.

Michael tried so many times to convince me to go to the doctor. He even threatened to take me to a hospital and check me in. Day after day I begged him not to. He and I now agree that he should have intervened no matter what I threatened or pleaded. But I would say each time, “I think I might be a little better today,” or “Give me just another day or two…please?” No one must know how weak I was. If I could just have more faith or pray a bit harder this would surely all work out…wouldn’t it?

Somehow, after months of abject misery, the wet blanket lifted and I could breathe again. Later still, I could even laugh once more. It wasn’t long until I settled back into my now-comfortable formula: stress in life = mild to moderate depression x 2 days. Compared to a year in hell, that sounded like a piece of cake.

As the years rolled by, I became even more resistant to the idea of antidepressants. For one thing, I was so much better than I had been in ’95. If I could just stay away from the edge of the abyss I could certainly keep from falling in, couldn’t I? And yet somewhere along the way I did make a promise to Michael and to myself: If I ever become as sick as I was before, next time I will get help.

One factor that fueled my anti-medication mindset was my friend’s situation. She began struggling with emotional illness as a very young adult. Although I know plenty of people successfully and happily living with the aid of psych. meds., my friend has had no such luck. Twice, after major breakdowns, she has been medicated, and it has never gone well. She has side effects that bring on a second medication…which carry more side effects that bring on a third. She eventually weans herself off all medication just so she can live her life. My experience tells me that her bad fortune is not typical. Yet it’s been all I could think of whenever I’ve considered a pharmaceutical answer for myself.

Another factor is that I’ve always been really big on issues. I want to meet life head-on, deal with my stuff. Antidepressants were fine for other people, but for me they somehow seemed like a cop-out. Marriage problems? Mid-life issues? Work stress? I wanted to handle these things drug-free and proud. The only problem was that things never turned out quite the way I had planned.

Then somewhere along the way, I began getting worse again. I can’t tell you when, for I don’t know. Where does one draw the line between normal life and out-of-ordinary stress? Between normal grief or sadness and out-of-control emotion? My current slump may well have been in the making for a long time, but I think the real trouble began this past spring. “Good stress” (is there really such a thing?) morphed with bad stress. Then the tension snowball hit the grief wall head-on before colliding with the empty nest in the front yard. Add to that a dose of other mid-life issues and a sprinkling of those ever-popular hormones, and I had the makings of a pretty flavorful stew.

I thought I had been handling everything pretty well, all in all. But of late I’ve been noticing disturbing patterns in my thinking and my behavior. I’m still crying more than I should be, given the time I’ve had to heal. Obsessive thoughts and actions have crept back in, with anxiety lurking just around the corner. (No, I’m not going to tell you the gory details. This is my blog, remember?) Still, I was doing basically O.K…wasn’t I?

Then a few weeks ago I could not get out of bed. After Michael left the house one morning I just lay there in the darkness, crying. Why? I didn’t know. From that point on it became harder and harder for me to accomplish anything at home or at work. No motivation led to no energy which led to no action. The final straw came last weekend. It was going to be a big two days, a busy time. But it was all good. I had made a couple of commitments that were routine sorts of thing for me, and I had been looking forward to both. Yet when Saturday dawned I was overwhelmed. I felt I simply didn’t have it in me to carry on any more. I was emotionally paralyzed.

At that point I remembered 1995. A little voice from deep inside my brain asked gently, “Denise, are you really willing to go down that road again?” I knew I couldn’t. This time my marriage would not survive. This time I might not survive. And I had promised Michael and myself that it wouldn’t happen again.

Today I finally came clean to my doctor, and he gave me a prescription. What may seem completely routine to you is, nontheless, a huge step for me. Though all the folks I currently know who are on antidepressants are doing great, I am still filled with questions. (Hey, I obsess. It’s what I do.)

Will there be any unpleasant side effects? If so, what?

I work so hard to eat right and exercise; will I now gain 50 pounds in spite of all that?

I’ll be glad to give up depression, but what if I never feel truly happy again, either?

So many really creative people through the ages have been depressed at worst, melancholy at best. The world would not suffer if my mildly creative bent fell by the wayside, but my writing is important to me. What if I lose the muse altogether?

And what about my spiritual life? Will I still have moments when I feel close to God? When I sense His leading? For that matter, are these feelings genuine in the first place, or have they been manifestations of my mixed-up emotional state all along? Either way, will it feel as if He’s abandoned me forever?

Last but not least, will I still be me? Which begs the question: Who am I anyway? I may not always like the way I feel or behave, but I’m used to being me. I’m the only me I know. I’m accustomed to sometimes being wistful, sometimes having hidden thoughts and deep longings. If those vanish, how much of me will be left? On the other hand, if the meds supplement what I’ve been missing all along, maybe I’ll be more of my true self than I’ve ever been before.

My true self. I suppose that’s what I’m seeking. All these years, have I been the person I was truly created to be, or just a shadow of my real self? I have come to the moment of decision, and I suppose there is only one way to find out. Morpheus told Neo, “Remember that all I am offering is the truth. Nothing more.”

I stand with the red pill in one hand. The glass of water trembles in the other.

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35 Comments »

  1. […] There’s a reason we talk a bit about depression on this blog. It’s a matter of family. Our family: The Night Before I Take The Red Pill by Denise Day Spencer. […]

    Pingback by internetmonk.com » Blog Archive » The Night Before I Take The Red Pill by Denise Day Spencer — January 26, 2007 @ 10:04 pm | Reply

  2. […] The Night Before I Take The Red Pill by Denise Day Spencer   This entry was posted on Friday, January 26th, 2007 at 11:06 pm by Michael Spencer and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. πŸ™‚ Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site. […]

    Pingback by The Boars Head Tavern » Blog Archive » A BHT Must Read by Denise Spencer — January 26, 2007 @ 10:06 pm | Reply

  3. I know that feeling all too well.

    One night, I absolutely lost it and the wife insisted that I go see a doctor the next day. The nurse took down my list of symptoms I described; and a few minutes later the doctor bounced in and said “So, how long have you been depressed?”

    The next thing he said was “Here’s some Effexor. Be about a week and a half, two weeks before it’ll do anything…but it will.”

    I went home and thought to myself, “Well, so much for church. REAL Christians don’t get depressed.” (It doesn’t help that an old friend of mine is the head of a nouthetic counseling center.)

    So I dropped out of church, made all the easier by the fact that I changed jobs to one that required I work Sundays. Then one Sunday night the wife came home and said “Guess what the sermon was about tonight?”

    I said, “OK, so when do the excommunication hearings start?”

    She replied, “Probably not any time too soon. According to the preacher, one in three folks is depressed or will be.” In short, his point was that there shouldn’t be any stigma attached to emotional problems.

    May his tribe increase. The downside is, given the current state of thought in evangelicalism and especially in the SBC, his kind is a dying breed.

    Comment by Mike — January 27, 2007 @ 12:02 am | Reply

  4. Thanks for the honest sharing. It surely will set others free to deal with their own situations.

    Comment by Luke Chan — January 27, 2007 @ 12:17 am | Reply

  5. I just finished reading your blog, wow, how brave. Yes indeed I mean BRAVE. Please know I am very supportive in your endeavor. I only know your name through the BHT. I have basically been what’s called a “lurker”, if I may so. I am not brave enough to venture into the bar, but enjoy it none the less. I am proud when I see a woman bare it all to share with others how terrifying something like this can be, Truly Terrifying!! I too thought I had depression and shied away for quite a bit of time. I did eventually see someone and was surprised to know I had what is termed “Situational Depression”; basically being depressed temporarily because of the situation you are experiencing. The symptoms I had passed and I still remember that vulnerability. Yes, the thoughts were terrifying and I can’t say to you and won’t say, “I understand” at the chance of offending you. No one knows better then you what you have been through or what led you to this exact moment, but: Hooray for taking the first step, hooray for saying it out loud, hooray for not being perfect, hooray for being frail. I hope you will allow yourself some room for mis-steps, for the lack of knowing which medications will work, and which ones may not work. Patience and Grace are my only two words of advice. My thoughts and kind prayers for you, and for your family.

    Caroline

    Comment by Caroline — January 27, 2007 @ 12:36 am | Reply

  6. Hi Denise.

    God Bless you for your openess and honesty. I just know that others will be blessed through this post. I am in fact passing it on to a good friend who suffers from depression as I am sure she will receive some comfort from this.

    Of course we know that others suffer from any illness we might contract, but to hear from those who suffer likewise raises the spirits and strengthens our focus on God.

    Once again,

    God Bless.

    p.s. I have posted a link here on ‘A Kingdom Walk.’

    Comment by Eddie — January 27, 2007 @ 4:17 am | Reply

  7. Hi Denise
    Eddie passed me your blog. I cant tell you how it helped me. God bless you for your bravery and honesty. I believe this stigma will always be with us but the more we manage to speak out as you have done the more people (dare I say Christians) will understand that we are not weak or lacking in faith or any other judgement that has been passed on us. We just happen to suffer from an illness that is very difficult to understand if you have not experienced it (and even if you have!)
    Praying for you, Jan

    Comment by Jan — January 27, 2007 @ 6:16 am | Reply

  8. Dear Denise,
    First of all let me say that your husband has been a great help to me the several months. His wisdom and personal advice as been very helpful. Now you come along. As I read your entry to my wife (me fighting back the tears) we are reminded of my life. My struggles- that continue still today. In 1998 I wrote about the same ‘abyss’.It was almost eerie to read your story because it is so like mine. And as a pastor, i feel the same pressure to hide it. Those closest to me know of my struggles. Of the meds- that probably need to be increased. My God has been so faithful these last 15 years- probably longer- as I walked this valley. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will pray as your continue your journey.

    Comment by jimwomack — January 27, 2007 @ 8:39 am | Reply

  9. Denise,

    I too want to give you kudos. You write not only honestly but eloquently. I can sympathize with your situation, having suffered a one-year bout of it a long time ago. I too was medicated and I’ll tell you something: Morpheus was right. The medication didn’t give me artificial happiness or an alternate personality. They allowed my emotions to line up with the truth in my life. You know those times when you feel crushed and hopeless, and you know, you KNOW, that those emotions are completely unwarranted and irrational and that knowledge makes no difference whatsoever? The medication broke that. When I felt miserable, I had reason to feel miserable. And when I had cause to rejoice and hope (not just theologically and eschatologically), I was able to rejoice and hope.

    After a year, I dropped the medication and have done just fine…okay, well, I still have my moments but they are few and far between. May God work His healing in you through this medication.

    Comment by Kipp Wilson — January 27, 2007 @ 9:49 am | Reply

  10. Denise,

    I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you are sharing your story. I finally got help for my depression and anxiety and started meds two weeks ago, over the objections of family and friends at church. The writing you and Michael have done has helped me enormously over the years, and it’s wonderful to have a voice of sanity that says it’s okay to get help. I hope God gives you healing and supportive people around you- the blogosphere is rooting for you. πŸ™‚

    Comment by Becky — January 27, 2007 @ 10:11 am | Reply

  11. Amen to every comment about courage.

    Scientific American just ran an article about how happy people have trouble focusing. The article ended with this paragraph:
    “As for the myth of the depressed but brilliant artist, Anderson speculates that creativity may be a form of self-medication, giving a gloomy artist the chance to adopt a cheerful disposition.”

    Hang tough, sister. I’m sure you’ll find your creativity blooming.

    Comment by codepoke — January 27, 2007 @ 12:03 pm | Reply

  12. Found your blog entry today by chance — a link to a link to another link — really, I was just looking around at some stuff by St. John of the Cross.

    I’ve been dealing with depression for over twenty years. I finally came to the conclusion that life is too short not to take the bloomin’ pills. With them, my life is very good. No more emotional rollercoaster. Without them, it’s often hard to move.

    Your major objections were mine, too. BTW, I was at SBTS in the early 80s, although I don’t think I ever met you or your family. Good luck with this. I hope it works wonderfully for you.

    Christine

    P.S. The major side effect I have is being extremely antsy for the first couple of weeks on pills. My husband has that problem too. (He was one who had to try half a dozen different things before he found something that worked. If the first time doesn’t work, don’t give up!)

    Comment by Christine — January 27, 2007 @ 5:24 pm | Reply

  13. Denise,
    Reading your blog was like reading my story. Truly, you sound just like me. Pastor’s wife, Christian, thinks no one will understand my “weakness” and still think I’m a good Christian. I tried for years to “pray my way through it” or some other Christian sort of thing to do, denying that medication was the way to go for me. Once at church a woman sitting next to me saw a devotional book in my Bible about depression and she said “I just think that’s people feeling sorry for themselves.” Excuse me? Did you NOT just see that it was in MY Bible? Can you NOT put 2 and 2 together???? Anyway, I finally got to the point that you describe BEAUTIFULLY, emotional paralysis. I took Paxil, and it was God-sent for me. It did not make me automatically happy about everything, or cure all my problems. It made me emotionally stable enough to handle the things going on in my life. It’s hard to explain, but I knew as soon as it kicked in a few weeks after I started taking it that I should have listened to people years before. My depression “issues” have been mostly gone now for about two years, and I praise God for that. BUT, if it starts again tomorrow I will not hesitate to take medication again. I applaud your decision and I’ll pray for you. I know people say that alot “I’ll pray for you”, but reading this blog made me aware I am to pray for you. I hope you’ll continue to blog your recovery.
    Amy

    Comment by Amy — January 27, 2007 @ 9:52 pm | Reply

  14. Thanks for this post. I’ve been there myself…I’ve suffered from depression for many years, and it only got worse after my wife divorced me. I almost killed myself. It was only the grace of God that saved me. Now I’m taking medication and things are improving.

    You and your family are in my prayers as well. Like Amy, I hope you’ll continue to blog your recovery. It may help those of us on the same path.

    Don

    Comment by Don Collett — January 27, 2007 @ 10:29 pm | Reply

  15. It’s been my observation that depression so pervasively clouds the mind that the simple step of asking for help becomes a staggering challenge. I truly hope this begins a path of healing for you.

    Your post seems to indicate that your drugs are strict anti-depressants, and if that is the case you should rest easy regarding most of your side effect fears. Anti-depressants are much more likely to improve your creativity as your mental faculties become sharper and your imagination is loosened from the clouds. Similarly, anti-depressants unshackle the entire spectrum of emotions which means that happiness can be felt more fully. Similarly, release from the inward pull of depression allows the mind to more freely engage and communicate with others, which grants better opportunities for relationships. This includes one’s relationship with God. If for some reason your drugs are bipolar mood stabilizers or anti-psychotics, then these answers will change dramatically. Those drugs have a tendency to “numb the soul” as it is often described. Even then, I only noticed that numbness near the higher dosages during my stints on those medications. Now, I’m not an expert in these matters, but I am a veteran in this fight and hopefully I know what I’m talking about. πŸ™‚

    Stick with the treatment. It may take a few tries to find the right drug and dosage, but there is an answer for you. You will be in my prayers.

    ~rob

    Comment by gammell — January 28, 2007 @ 12:19 am | Reply

  16. Denise,
    A thousand thanks for sharing this. On Tuesday morning, my neighbor who had been struggling with depression for decades, hung himself. Jim was a father of two outstanding twin sons in college and was a devoted husband.

    This man was a professing Christian, and reflected Christ in his warm and gentle manner. But he simply could not overcome the diabolical self hatred that had recently even changed his apperance. Neighbors who saw him in the last days reported that he appeared to have aged ten years in a matter of months.

    Why would he leave his loving family and friends in such pain? We are all struggling mightily because we know that question will never be answered.

    He had recently changed medicine after he went into a drastic tailspin in December and was hospitalized. But he just lost hope.

    What I want to emphasize is that his wife is certain that he wouldn’t have made it as long as he did without medication. Anyone reading this who is struggling with depression and fearful about taking medication, I ask you to consider this: God did not make you with depression! The anti-depressant medication simply restores the depressed person to his/her normal condition.

    I have experienced major depression on three occasions and am absolutely certain that anti-depressant medication delivered me from taking my own life.

    This is especially hard for evangelical Christians to accept. Is it possible that God can be glorified through Prozac? In my case, I say Amen.

    Comment by Jfred — January 28, 2007 @ 4:05 pm | Reply

  17. WOW. This was incredibly incredibly good. Thank you for sharing.

    Comment by molleth — January 28, 2007 @ 6:57 pm | Reply

  18. […] Day Spencer takes the red pill. Posted January 29, 2007 In a provocative and revealing post, the wife of internetmonk Michael Spencer charts the beginning of her healing journey from a […]

    Pingback by Denise Day Spencer takes the red pill. « areopagitica — January 29, 2007 @ 7:39 am | Reply

  19. http://healedwaters.wordpress.com/2007/01/29/reliving-the-past/

    Denise, you are not alone. I have been there, done that. More times than I care to recall. Thank you for sharing so candidly. Praying for you as you adjust to the medication and, Lord willing, as the fog begins to lift.

    In Christ alone,
    Kari

    Comment by Kari — January 29, 2007 @ 8:44 am | Reply

  20. Thanks for posting this. You echo many of the same thoughts that I had when struggling with ADHD and not wanting to admit it to myself.

    Comment by Matt Rupert — January 29, 2007 @ 11:01 am | Reply

  21. God bless you Denise, for your honesty and in your struggle. Lots of people have said that you’re not alone, and you’re not. One thing I can say is that, from my experience, not only will you have moments when you feel closer to God but you will experience God more, and more clearly and closely because the ‘black dog’ is no longer always lurking around the corner. God will still be there and I have found myself even more able to experience Him. Medication has freed me to grow closer to God and I couldn’t live without it. I, too, will be praying that you find the same relief I have. God bless.

    Comment by James — January 29, 2007 @ 12:36 pm | Reply

  22. […] Mark Hornes writes about William Cowper. I cannot help but note the timeliness of this appearing on the heels of Michael’s posts on spiritual experience and depression, and also Denise’s confessional masterpiece. […]

    Pingback by The Boars Head Tavern » Blog Archive » Is Election Comforting or Frightful? — January 29, 2007 @ 1:23 pm | Reply

  23. Thank you so much, Denise for writing this. You are not alone. I am now three weeks on an anti-depressant after a great deal of struggle and having fought the inferences by others that I just needed to “trust God more”. Will be praying for you.

    Comment by Lundie — January 29, 2007 @ 8:22 pm | Reply

  24. Thanks for sharing your struggle. I firmly believe that doctors and medicine are some of the gifts that the Lord uses to heal his children, a ‘means of grace’ as it were. For years I battled depression and didn’t know what it was. I self medicated with Cocaine, speed,( helped me get out of bed) marijuana and alcohol. As a Christian, leading this double life only added to my pain. Finally I ‘bit the bullet’ and went to see a doctor. He prescribed 400 milligrams a day of a very powerful antidepressant. I was really afraid of the medicine he prescribed. For some reason I had no qualms about buying little bags of white powder off the street but was terrified to take some medicine ‘designed to jack with my head.’ (My wife and friends were dumbfounded at this, and I don’t really understand it myself.) Since that time I have quit taking any kind of illegal drug and I have my life back. My need even for the anti depressant has lessened greatly over the years and I take only 25% of my previouse daily dose. I hope to be off it entirely in the future. It seems (for me at least) to have functioned like a cast on a broken bone, allowing me to heal and strengthen while protecting me from further injury. If I ever need it again or have to remain on a maintenance dose the rest of my life, I’m OK with that. A few months down the road you won’t regret you decision.
    God’s Peace,
    Sean

    Comment by Sean — January 29, 2007 @ 11:15 pm | Reply

  25. Denise,

    I posted the below also over at Michaels blog and my prayer is that maybe you or others who read your blog may get help from my own experience. I have suffered from depression on an off most of my life but last year experienced a bout of severe acute depression that was debilitating. Here is what I wrote:

    Almost a year ago I was diagnosed with acute severe depression. I could hardly function. Not that I didn’t want to or wish I could but I could not. My wife had to even take me to my doctor visits because I was not capable of driving myself. Laboratory tests revealed that my neurotransmitters were not functioning properly and were depressed. My doctor is an MD but also believes in functional medicine approach. However, because of the severity of my depression she prescribed anti-depressant drugs to help give me some relief as soon as possible. In my case though the drugs were not effective because of side effect issues with every drug I tried. It was a frustrating experience as I wanted relief. They would put me on one drug, I would be weaned on to it over a week to full dose, then two weeks later they would have to wean me off before they could try another drug. Because I was experiencing some back pain I started seeing a Chiropractor who, when I told him about my depression, said that he maybe could help. He was working with a form of electrical stimulation that uses a very small current at specific frequencies to treat various ailments and he said that it was quite effective in treating depression. At first I was skeptical it would even work but after about 5 treatments I actually did feel better. The therapy is called frequency specific micro-current (FSM) and many MDs are now using this therapy to treat patients with depression.

    Now having said all that I did some research on FSM and found that I could obtain a personal device to treat myself for depression. It’s called Alpha-Stim 100 and it has been shown to be 90% effective in treating depression with at least 60% relief. It’s a small portable handheld device that hooks up to your earlobes. I would treat myself every day for anywhere from 1 to 2 hours. I could actually “feel” the depression lift after about one and a half hours. This improved my functionality immensely! I do not know where I would be today without this device as nothing the doctors did worked for me. The Alpha-Stim can only be obtained by prescription and I did have a little difficulty convincing my doctor to at least let me try it but now even she is convinced of it’s effectiveness and is prescribing it for other patients with depression. This device is non-addictive and it’s effects are cumulative, which means I had to use it less and less as time went on. Now I only use it when I feel the depression starting to raise it’s ugly head again and with just a couple of treatments I can now keep it under control.

    If you are interested in wanting to know more about it or my experience feel free to contact me at ktrek@yahoo.com and I’ll be glad to talk with you. Also, they have an official website where you can read bout it but I used an online vendor that actually “rents” the units until the unit is paid for. Since they cost around $900.00 I thought it was the best way to go because I could always return it if it didn’t work for me. I intend on paying it out though and keeping the device though. It also has other uses, such as pain management, which I have found is VERY effective. You really have to try this device to believe it’s effectiveness. Here is the site where I rent mine from:

    http://www.alleviahealth.com/

    They have a page dedicated to research documents and after my doctor read these she was willing to prescribe. Here is the research link:

    http://www.alleviahealth.com/research.htm

    Hint: many if not most patients with depression also experience body pain and if the doctor will prescribe the device for “pain management” then most insurance companies will cover some of the costs. However, most will not cover it for depression. I found out the hard way.

    My prayer is that this will help others who read this article and are experiencing depression. I personally know how debilitating it can be and Alpha-Stim has been a godsend for me.

    Kevin

    Comment by Philologus — January 31, 2007 @ 9:46 am | Reply

  26. Denise,

    Was there some reason you didn’t want me posting about my experience with depression? Honestly, I was not posting spam of any kind to your blog but offering an alternative to medications which I found to be a lot more effective. Anyway, I was surprised to stop by and find my comment deleted.

    Kevin

    Comment by Philologus — January 31, 2007 @ 5:50 pm | Reply

  27. oops! Suddenly it appeared when I entered the last post. I have no idea why it wasn’t showing before. Sorry!

    Kevin

    Comment by Philologus — January 31, 2007 @ 5:51 pm | Reply

  28. Kevin,

    No, I did not delete your post. Sorry about that. I don’t know what happened.

    Denise

    Comment by Denise Day Spencer — January 31, 2007 @ 9:34 pm | Reply

  29. Denise,

    Well, this is really weird Denise! Now today I see my last two posts but my long one is gone again. I see Sean’s post and then my last two little posts but not my original post. Anyway, you and Michael inspired me to add something about my depression to my blog which can be found here:

    http://www.christallinall.net

    I hope this will help some people.

    In Him,

    Kevin

    Comment by Philologus — February 1, 2007 @ 7:25 am | Reply

  30. Hi Denise–I thought I had commented after someone sent me your post, but maybe I just replied to that person.

    What I said was that Christians have no problem with my wearing corrective lenses to see. They have no problem with a diabetic taking insulin, or an infected person taking antibiotics.

    Why, then, is a diagnosis of endogenous depression any different? It’s a chemical imbalance that can be corrected by medication. It is NOT a symbol of a weak walk with God.

    Comment by Marcia — February 13, 2007 @ 5:13 pm | Reply

  31. Hm, I cant agree with you in this particular case.

    Comment by MattGar — May 17, 2007 @ 7:50 am | Reply

  32. Honore tease and denial video frowned. Me i was a vodka from my head.

    Comment by uhbitump — August 2, 2007 @ 8:01 am | Reply

  33. […] wife blogged about her medication journey in “The Night Before I Take The Red Pill.” After taking the medication she felt so good she left me and is now living in Hollywood […]

    Pingback by internetmonk.com » Blog Archive » Brant Hanson + Links on Meds and Mental Illness — December 7, 2007 @ 3:47 pm | Reply

  34. […] The friend I love also wrote a piece about the journey she made in deciding to go ahead with meds. Posted by: TommyMertonHead @ 7:30 pm | Trackback | Permalink […]

    Pingback by The Boar’s Head Tavern » IM posts on Antidepressant Meds — September 26, 2008 @ 5:32 pm | Reply

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